Wednesday(4/18/12) afternoon a little light went dim in my world as an angel found her way back home. Now at peace, Grandma, know you are loved and will always be a part of my life.
This past week has flown by yet it almost seems as though I've been standing in place. Monday evening I received a phone call from my sister. She informed me that my Grandmother was in the hospital ICU and that if we were to say our goodbyes, it would have to be that night. She had an aortic tear and they didn't think she would make it through the night. My family rushed to the hospital; all of us containing an almost surreal feeling. "Was this really happening?"
Once I saw her for the first time I, oddly enough, held my composure. She didn't know that she was dying at that time. Everyone who had one in had come out crying and I did not want her to feel anymore afraid than she probably already was.
She is one tough broad, having been in and out of the hospital quite a few times each with a diagnoses that could have very well ended her life then. It kept running through my head that maybe she would make it, yet I knew that it was just my heart telling me that I wasn't ready for her to leave.
She made it through Tuesday night yet her coherency was slipping. I slept at the hospital that night just waiting. I awoke Wednesday morning to my Godmother on the phone with someone telling them that she was declining faster and would not make it much longer. Then I knew. She would be leaving me today.
Once she was blessed most of her children plus a few other family members were in the room and praying the rosary. My father had just arrived and was doing so as well. I was sitting in the lobby when my aunt came to me and said, " anyone who wants to be with Grandma needs to come now." I frantically made my way down the hallway to the room. I've never broke down so fast in my life. Looking back now I see it all happening as if it were in slow motion.
Once I entered the room I saw that my father was not there. I asked a couple people where he was and finally my Godmother went to find him. He had to be there. There was no other option. I went up to Grandma and blessed her with oil. As my fingers touched her forehead she took a deep gasp. My last words to her were, "Now Grandma, remember that song you used to sing to us when we wanted to go home? Well now it's time for you to go home." As I was done and backed away my father rushed into the room and up to her bedside. I will never forget it. The last words that she heard in this lifetime were, "It's okay Ma, I'm here."
She held on until my father was there. Then she was gone. My father lost his mother and my youngest brother his best friend.
Having been there in the room was one of the hardest things I ever done in my life. Yet there is nowhere else I could see myself being. It is odd to think back at the Saturday before she went into the hospital, she was doing just fine; great in fact. I guess due to it being so sudden there are two ways to think about it. One, it was so sudden that no one saw it coming. Two, she wasn't in pain. I mean she was for maybe a couple days, but they kept her as comfortable as possible at the hospital and her passing was rather peaceful. She was so strong through it all.
One of my brothers really hit it on the nail. We were crying and grieving and he said to my father, "Dad, why are you crying?"
My father in response said, "Well Ty, I'm sad."
He then tells my dad, "But dad, how can you be sad about something so beautiful that we had for so many years?"
He left my dad somewhat speechless. It reminds me that I just need to appreciate the time I had with her and remember all that she taught me. I think back to the times when she would sing "You Are My Sunshine," to me. Also, when us kids would be sitting by the windowsill whining to Grandma that we wanted to go home, which just happened to be right across the street. Without missing a beat Grandma would sound like a broken record and sing, "I wanna go home, I wanna go home, oh lord I wanna go home," every time we would ask. It went on for a while every time. That jingle is part of the song Detroit City by Bobby Bare.
My brother and I put together her wake slideshow. It was a bit tough. It's easier now that we have the wake and funeral over and done with. Her funeral service was beautiful. Her children, including my father, released doves during it. Looking back it seems like almost a dream. I think of the memories I have with her, and just as she is now, they help me be at peace.
You are a part of me,
Forever and Always,
<3 Amanda Lorraine Wiltgen
